Guest post: On the dire consequences of CV padding

In response to my earlier post on people misrepresenting themselves on their CVs, I received an entertaining rant from a colleague. I present it for you here in it's complete and uncensored form (i.e., if you are easily offended, maybe skip reading this):

The dire societal and professional consequences of misrepresentation/CV padding

The job market in academia is competitive. There is no getting around that fact. This has not stopped people from attempting to present themselves in a more favorable light by stretching the truth, or in some cases lies, on their CV’s. It comes off as harmless enough: a few panel discussions here, a course you never taught there, a thesis student who can’t seem to be located and who just happens to be the not-so-distant relative of the deposed king of Nigeria. It seems harmless, doesn’t it?  They know they are qualified for the jobs, and if given enough time, they could most definitely achieve all these things. There just isn’t enough time and let’s face it, sometimes a delicious lie is more telling of one’s true character than a bland fact. Or the action of lying is more…the truth of…anyway...whatever.

CV-padding is rampant and harmful to you as a professional and to us as a professional society…to academia as a whole. This may not be evident if only for the justifications that people often provide (“It is mundane, common, and everybody does it.  I am fully capable of the things I describe. These lies are more reflective of my true and as-yet-unrealized potential that will undoubtedly be unlocked once given the position and salary I am sure I deserve.”).  Make no mistake it is dangerous. I will admit that things never seem dire or dangerous in the academic sphere, as we deal with intangibles, abstracts, and some baseline level of survivability and safety in our professional environment. But indulge me as I tell you a story of resume-padding in another time, and another place, where the consequences of such seemingly mundane treachery are fully realized.

Not long ago, or long ago, depending upon the state of affairs in that part of the world.  I don’t know, I am a scientist.  Let’s hedge our bets and say long ago. I don’t want to be a politically incorrect jerk here. Long ago, somewhere in Africa, or the Middle East, or maybe way southern Europe, not sure…was a land filled with sand and goats. And people. People who lived on the sand and off the goats. In this land lived a man with great ambition…a man named…Henry?  Really?  Ok, whatever. Henry was an ambitious man who sought to acquire many goats, as such was a status symbol in this particular time and place.  Such a feat was not easy, as goats were scarce and widely desired, and only those most trusted as effective goat herders were granted ownership of these majestic beasts.

Henry had very little experience herding goats, but understood them to be wieldy and controllable animals. He knew it was well within his ability to maintain a herd of at least 11 goats, which was a very high number at this time in history, when math and counting were but nascent babes of the mind. Henry approached the village elders (who were pretty young, actually…life expectancy being what it was) in search of goat…um…deeds or titles of ownership.  They made a simple request: “Demonstrate to us in a substantive way your ability to herd goats and you shall be entrusted with many tens of goats. If such is not possible, provide us with a record of this ability.”

Henry was at a loss, but only for a moment. He and many of his peers had rudimentary experience handling goats, as goats were customarily included as part of a dowry upon marrying a first cousin. Although Henry had not tracked and obtained this goat himself, he felt that by proxy, the goat that was obtained by his father-in-law (uncle), was obtained by himself.

Henry told the elders of his goat-having expertise and they were understandably impressed. They decided to grant Henry custody of all the village’s goats during their absence on an expedition in search of water (for this was a land of sand and goats, and not water).

Henry was granted the goats, who surprised him with their curious tendencies and wandering teeth. Henry was bitten by the alpha goat as the others fled. Henry could not give chase, as the alpha goat restrained him in an all-too-loving embrace.

Thus the villagers suffered, deprived of the meat and loving goats they so adored. They all died of starvation and loneliness. Henry was not put to death, as the punishment furnished by the horny alpha goat seemed adequate, and long-lasting.

So let this be a lesson. If you are willing to fabricate, inflate, or misrepresent information in your CV, you are probably the type of person who would marry their cousin. That, and you will eventually get fucked by a goat.